Posted by: Ed | November 11, 2009

DESERT AND MY SOUL

It’s ironic that I go to a dry place to refresh my soul. Last week I did my monthly desert get away solitude get my head & heart on straight time.
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This time was a little different than the last two. I felt the freedom to journal & to even do a little reading.
• I finished Bo’s Café a powerful book that my friend John Lynch wrote (John has agreed to come & speak at Journey in December – get stoked NOW). Click here for info on Bo’s.
• I began reading Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller.
• I had a great run, but forgot my visor thing so I felt like Lawrence of Arabia by the end with the sun beating down on my face.
• The birds were starving apparently – I kept feeding them & they kept coming and grubbing. So cool!

Maybe it was the ideas from Bo’s Café, maybe it was that I’ve been trafficking in Ezekiel in my own time with God, maybe it’s the message on “Real Worship for the Real God” but I felt like God was saying: boy, we’re going to get real here”. I’m like, oooookkkkk???
I woke up on Tuesday with a line from an old Rod Stewart (Faces) song in my head.
“I firmly believed that I, didn’t need anyone but me.
I sincerely thought I was so complete… look how wrong you can be.” (from Every Picture Tells A Story – a great song)
Now remember, I’m basically silent for these days. It’s not like I’m bumping classic rock tunes & of course they get in your head. I mean, I woke up with this as the very 1st thing in my dome. Hmmmm.

Here’s a bit of vulnerability (stop reading if you like perfect pastor types)
I wrote this after some time in the scriptures.
You are safe. You know everything about me, all the ugly, repulsive ^%$$. This, Your presence is a place where I can, must be real. But even here I find myself afraid to lose control. I find myself trying to mange this because I’m afraid of what You might tell me to do. I haven’t had this feeling for a while. But I have it!

After looking at the 50 or so birds feeding a few feet from me, I wrote this:
One dove has to take a chance & fly into the feeder. Next thing you know, they are all there – it’s packed. Is the seed on the ground the next level of risk for them?

It seems like every one of these little adventures has it’s own script, and I’m not the guy who gets to write it.

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The best way I can describe this one was like a 1st aid pro cleaning out a scrape type wound. You think they are going to just kind of lightly wife off the blood, but they have to scrub a little to make sure they get out all the foreign objects to avoid infection.

I wrote this shortly before I packed up & headed for home:
Seems like I had to face a lot of ugly stuff and re-experience forgiveness. Help me to truly turn from whatever & to YOU!

Funny thing about His hand on you: even the wounds feel like love.

Thank you sir, may I have another. Looking forward to next month!

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Responses

  1. Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller… Can I read it next? Steve

  2. I’m struck by your comment about the courage the one bird has to have in order to take the seed; and then the rest follow. In therapy, I often tell clients, “Take the feeding,” (literarily and figuratively). It’s like we’re all starving but have been deprived for so long, we deny ourselves the very thing we hunger for out of fear of rejection, lack, fullness, loss of control, whatever. And yet, nourishment is right there; God’s nourishment. The ultimate “bread of life.” This also seems to relate to the Rod Stewart song. We all think we can do it alone but that’s such mythology. We need surrender, His Grace and each other.

    Thanks for sharing. You sound so hard on yourself though. I’m glad you felt God’s love.

  3. The reflection on the birds is especially timely for me, as I consider where God is leading me.

    Great thoughts,

    – Mark

  4. Mark – I thought of of that.
    Ed

  5. A word from Chuck Pierce that I thought was meant for you Ed!

    God wants to show you awesome things that you felt unqualified or unready to see—but He’s been working on them all your life…or should I say He’s been working on YOU?

    Start looking….because God already knows that you’ve been nearly BEGGING to see more. This pleases Him, quite frankly. He’s about to answer that prayer(s).

    So, the question isn’t, “Will God Show me?” The question is, “Are you READY to see what He’s about to show you?”

  6. Good stuff, real pastor Ed. :) Sometimes I’m scared too. Like Moses staring at a burning bush – like “you want me to do whaaaaat???” Even still, in the midst of that I am praying: ” Here am I Lord send me!” Got a job change coming up so I am praying God will give me more of Him & His work and use all the wonderful gifts and talents He has blessed me with – so that in the end I will not look back and see my talents burried in the sand!!! <

  7. […] silent retreats a few years ago, and have been wanting to return ever since. many of the pastors at my church head out there monthly for a silent 24 hours (the owners are wonderfully generous with their […]

  8. Way cool my friend. Can’t wait to hang out with your community! John Lynch

  9. Thanks for your example in taking time away. Your example is finally working itself out in my life with at least a 1/2 day away extra of seeking God every month. Hopefully that will evolve into more.


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